Ramblings at 2 AM

Maybe it's because it's late and I'm tired, maybe it's because they put a little bit too much rum in my rum and coke at BJ's...but my mind is a whirl right now.  My heart is full of emotions it's never felt before.  I've never had to deal with loneliness and rejection before.  I've always been with someone or had someone who's cared for me and who is there to talk to me when I really need it.  

I'm now at a point in my life to where I really don't have anyone.  And I'm not asking you to be a someone.  I don't just let people in.  I am an open book, to an extent.  "Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating," good quote, amazing movie.  But when it comes down to the nitty gritty, the things that make me truly me, I rarely talk about those things to anyone.  My struggles, my hardships, my scars, they all pretty much stay locked up unless I feel I can really trust you.  But it's gotten to the point to where I don't trust anyone that much.  Everyone who I once trusted is abandoning me.  I can no longer confide in friends who I've been able to confide in.  

Loneliness and I have never been friends.  We've never spent enough time together to really get to know each other.  I'm sure he likes me though...but I'm not quite sure how I feel about him.  He feeds off my emotional turmoil, I swirl out of control in a whirlwind of sadness, contempt and trepidation...not exactly a balanced relationship.  

I'm trying to listen and learn to what God wants for me right now.  Patience, a dependence on Him, a revelation that I don't need a relationship to be happy, whatever it might be, I want to be receptive towards it.  I don't want to ignore it and suffer through the pain for the fun of it.  I hate this part though....when you ask God to break you, you often times don't mean it.  But a lot of the time God knows exactly how you need to be broken and he doesn't care if you think you're ready or not because the truth of the matter is, you're never going to think you're ready.

A broken soul, a broken heart, a broken vessel I am.  I am not a quitter though.  I will not give up every time my chest threatens to explode and the sweat drips from my face.  No, I will not quit because my whole body becomes inflamed in a torrent of worthlessness and abandonment.  I will fight this war raging on the inside of my head and heart, and I will arise victorious.